i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
