just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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