Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
