a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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