Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
