i wish starbucks made bloody marys
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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