I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
