I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The power of my boobs compel you
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
