Already got asked if we're dating
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
