oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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