This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
