He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
