Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When did angry sex become our thing?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
