life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
