Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
