Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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