when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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