i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
