If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
