I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
