so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
