There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
