Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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