I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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