i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
