I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
