Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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