Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
