i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i was born a porn star she said
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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