I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
