Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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