i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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