I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
