Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
