I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
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