I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
3pm strippers are depressing
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
