Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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