its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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