Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
