Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
