wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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