I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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