I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
