He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
