Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
And then he peed in my hair
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