i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
