so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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