No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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