Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
