Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
