1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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