I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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