I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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